22082009

I just learnt something. that is. Some things.. SOME... are better off left unsaid.

I'm home in ipoh. and i just got off the phone with hubby. and..

i hate this feeling right now. i hate this feeling here. The feeling of guilt. and the hate of myself.

i went over the board and forgot who i was. Who i am to be. and what i was doing. i screwed up my job and i just aimless not knowing when my class is. or whether it is cancelled or not.

Maybe you were always right. shouldn't be blaming everyone else for what's happening, but myself.

For example: i shouldn't be angry and pissed at the uni as it's my fault for staying so far and being so unconvinient.

It's my fault that i didn't organize things well and everything is so messed up.

It's my fault for not arranging my time properly until it's all screwed up and my time is so messed up.

-

my heart wrench when i get lost in thought about how life would be next year. I just feel as though the whole world is coming down on me. Though i know our love will never fall even when hell freezes over. It all leaves to the hand of faith. But i know something, me leaving would be as if i'm walking away from this call our relationship. As we all know, you never believed in LDR's. and you never believe our words. Maybe as they always broke the promise. But i will keep to mine. To show you that in this very world, there is some girl existing that keeps her promise.

-

Though i asked myself before, is it wrong for me to hate someone? Is it wrong to hate my family? was it my fault i lived in a fucked up family where all i always have to do is put a smile on my face, crack up stories and make them feel my life is oh-so-perfect?

...

i'm so stupid right?

was webcamming with boyfriend and i told him i go bath.. i came back 10 min's later to see him not there.. and i waited..

AFTER 2 hours!!!! i will still waiting... so stupid right?

from 1 wait till 3.... sigh.. So......

only found out he's sleeping from his bro..

i'm also going to sleep d.feel so stupid

History repeating itself

Being able to runaway for the 5 days.. i thought it would be the best for me. i tried talking to someone. Someone who was not in my shoe, to see what they think and maybe get some advice form them, during the conversation i actually totally agreed with them. But then, when i'm alone. thinking. bored. I start to wonder. Should i? Should i not? I mean, i don't think it's wrong for me to think what i'm thinking right now right.


_________

Thoughts that are in my mind are;

1. should i be EVEN thinking about it?

2. What difference would it make even if i knew?

3. Does it effect me at all?

4. What is it such a big deal that i can't know?

5. What have i done to deserve this?

6. What should i do?

_____________


Then it came to me that maybe i should STOP thinking about it and get on with my life. 'Take what i have, and create something better'' this was a principle i made up myself, a motivation for me to go forward. Then to look in front. i'm no where. Not even near sucess. I'm not in a medical school, or a law school, not even BUSINESS! i'm in the creative design industry. OK! this is important right? without us they'll be no one to capture the beauty, they will be no media, no advert and etc etc etc.. But then, where am i ? i'm just a university studeny in a very crappy university.

Then, all my friends are doing part time jobs here and there. Earning money here and there. Me? nothing.

If there were One in a Million i'll definately join and get that million! then i don't have to trouble all this.


Then to think, i suck at drawing. hubby's drawing is way much better than me right now. I'm not creative. i'm clumsy and i'm stupid. I can't take a nice photo and i suck at computer graphics. what i can do, anyone could have done better.


_____
Ten reasons i took this course:
1. It's design, (art)
2. there's no test
3. No memorizing whole text book
4. No theory test (maths/science)
5. No proper essay writing
6. No stress on exams
7. No quiz
8. it's art a.k.a. fun
9. No LOOONG lectures
10. i hate studying!!!!!



___
ok. maybe there are small minor quiz and test. but they consist 10 marks of the whole grade. at least i don't have to memorize the WHOLE book for a test which if i fail i'll fail.




.....


what if i pass? and graduate. what do i do??? what can i work?? i hope there will be somewhere.

well, it would be so much easier if i could just marry off some rich guy and just screw life!!!!
.________________________________________________.



i hate secrets! i hate them!!!!

relief

Have you ever felt frighten? for like the few minutes and then when you found out what happen you were just so relief and to think back how scared you were just now just makes you wanna find a hole and burry yourself in there. HAHAA. because that is how i feel right now.




it was 1 smth. when i saw that hubby's sister was still online. i thought it was just some msn lagging u know? so i msged her.

'eh?'

i was suprised she replied. !!

'anything?'

'You didn't come back kl?'

'Ah boy (refering to hubby) haven't reach yet meh?'

so assuming she said that meaning she's not coming back. so i said.

'no wor'

'he left at 8 smth.'

.______. i looked at my time. it says 1am. and i thought it was wrong. i checked astro. it was 1.04am. and i check the clock on the wall. it says 12.59am. my mind was thinking. if he left at 8. he would have reached right????? then to think. wait. maybe there's a jam. So i called him. and he sounded angry asking

''what you want?????''

so i asked.

'where are u?'

and he's like.

'eating lor!'

he sounded angry. so i assume either something happen, or he's just busy. but the fact he can be annoyed. meaning he's fine.

Then she told me

'you try to call him. i ask ahbi (his younger brother) to call him but he din pick up'

i was like

'it's ok. i call d'





._____________________________________________________________.

Can you know what went through my mind in that few minutes before i called him?
omg. i feel so stupid right now

i wanna go sleep. but there are a few things i need to remind him about. arr. ok.
i feel really stupid. so i'm gonna find a hole to hide myself.