History repeating itself

Being able to runaway for the 5 days.. i thought it would be the best for me. i tried talking to someone. Someone who was not in my shoe, to see what they think and maybe get some advice form them, during the conversation i actually totally agreed with them. But then, when i'm alone. thinking. bored. I start to wonder. Should i? Should i not? I mean, i don't think it's wrong for me to think what i'm thinking right now right.


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Thoughts that are in my mind are;

1. should i be EVEN thinking about it?

2. What difference would it make even if i knew?

3. Does it effect me at all?

4. What is it such a big deal that i can't know?

5. What have i done to deserve this?

6. What should i do?

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Then it came to me that maybe i should STOP thinking about it and get on with my life. 'Take what i have, and create something better'' this was a principle i made up myself, a motivation for me to go forward. Then to look in front. i'm no where. Not even near sucess. I'm not in a medical school, or a law school, not even BUSINESS! i'm in the creative design industry. OK! this is important right? without us they'll be no one to capture the beauty, they will be no media, no advert and etc etc etc.. But then, where am i ? i'm just a university studeny in a very crappy university.

Then, all my friends are doing part time jobs here and there. Earning money here and there. Me? nothing.

If there were One in a Million i'll definately join and get that million! then i don't have to trouble all this.


Then to think, i suck at drawing. hubby's drawing is way much better than me right now. I'm not creative. i'm clumsy and i'm stupid. I can't take a nice photo and i suck at computer graphics. what i can do, anyone could have done better.


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Ten reasons i took this course:
1. It's design, (art)
2. there's no test
3. No memorizing whole text book
4. No theory test (maths/science)
5. No proper essay writing
6. No stress on exams
7. No quiz
8. it's art a.k.a. fun
9. No LOOONG lectures
10. i hate studying!!!!!



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ok. maybe there are small minor quiz and test. but they consist 10 marks of the whole grade. at least i don't have to memorize the WHOLE book for a test which if i fail i'll fail.




.....


what if i pass? and graduate. what do i do??? what can i work?? i hope there will be somewhere.

well, it would be so much easier if i could just marry off some rich guy and just screw life!!!!
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i hate secrets! i hate them!!!!