hm

how do you make a wish come true?

22082009

I just learnt something. that is. Some things.. SOME... are better off left unsaid.

I'm home in ipoh. and i just got off the phone with hubby. and..

i hate this feeling right now. i hate this feeling here. The feeling of guilt. and the hate of myself.

i went over the board and forgot who i was. Who i am to be. and what i was doing. i screwed up my job and i just aimless not knowing when my class is. or whether it is cancelled or not.

Maybe you were always right. shouldn't be blaming everyone else for what's happening, but myself.

For example: i shouldn't be angry and pissed at the uni as it's my fault for staying so far and being so unconvinient.

It's my fault that i didn't organize things well and everything is so messed up.

It's my fault for not arranging my time properly until it's all screwed up and my time is so messed up.

-

my heart wrench when i get lost in thought about how life would be next year. I just feel as though the whole world is coming down on me. Though i know our love will never fall even when hell freezes over. It all leaves to the hand of faith. But i know something, me leaving would be as if i'm walking away from this call our relationship. As we all know, you never believed in LDR's. and you never believe our words. Maybe as they always broke the promise. But i will keep to mine. To show you that in this very world, there is some girl existing that keeps her promise.

-

Though i asked myself before, is it wrong for me to hate someone? Is it wrong to hate my family? was it my fault i lived in a fucked up family where all i always have to do is put a smile on my face, crack up stories and make them feel my life is oh-so-perfect?

don't know what to write

Grandpa passed away early in the morning on Sunday. according to my brother, he passed away in his sleep. and i'm going back to Ipoh tomorrow with lainey, Lay Chian and Kim Shung as the driver.

Ming*2 jie jie went back today and asked me if i wanted to follow. but i had to pass things to Aivan. so i couldn't. celaka u all.

anyway, i cried.

i cold rmb 5 years back. it was a sunday morning too when i got the phone call from mom about grandma. Well at least now the both of them could be reunited again. But then it came to me then our Gigantic huge family might not reunite as much as it use to as right now he's not here anymore. Well, don't think so far. We'll know sooner or later.

But for me. i felt right now that, at least he was part of my life. I was one of his grandchildren (although he has hundreds). Dad must be feeling really down. He called me today. Tried to cheered him up, as i'm his little princess, but dont know if it worked.

'

Soooo, removing all red nail polish. (my toe nails were red). and no red clothes for the next 100 days.

Been really busy the whole day, trying to do things here and there not thinking about it.

but no it's 5.32am. thinking of taking a break from work. And here i am thinking of him. and i'm crying. and listening to the song 'you are not alone' by michael jackson is not making me feel better. and all sudden i feel a cold breeze. like he's here.

Somehow, i didn't feel so bad as he really had a long life and i helped him when he fell. Although when i left on last thursday. i said good bye to him. I don't know. Something just told me i had to. and i went into his room and said good bye to him. But he didn't remember me at all. and he smiled at me. The very last time he did.

Maybe god gave me the push the say good bye to him that one very last time. and i remember. he smiled and waved. something he didn't do for ages.

Although, we didn't grow up living together. We didn't really have close relationship and so on. But we did have short memories. Like when he moved in here 6 years ago. He and grandma would sit there just listen to me crap about something they didn't understand. But i bet seeing us happy made him happy.

I knw mom's gonna be really emo, but i don't know what i'm gonna do. hope i wonder start screaming at her when she annoys me again.

R.I.P ah gong (grandpa). or mai hai gong gong. that's what we use to call him. sell shoe grandpa.

;D

we all love u.

Last day.

So, it's my last day in Ipoh. ;DDDD

for the next couple of weeks.. BUAHAHAHAAAA....

bought loads of stuff. ;DD..

i bedazzled my external USb port. my mouse. ;D. gonna do my harddisk NEXT. and soon mua phone. ;D

bought lipstick, sunblock, and mascara (cz mine finished).

also bought MAGAZINESSSS.. and cloud cleansing foam.

HAHAHAA...

gonna do facial mask later on. pamper myself first.. later go back kl cannot do so much later hubby complain this and that and he can see my hideous face..;DDDD

heard from hubby going to poppy tomorrow night. ;D.

i want a camera!!! gonna dig for one somewhere.. hope can find. HAHA.

haven't even packkkkkk..=/. maybe later on somewer

e in the middle of the night.

also bought my laptop a usb FAN. HAHAA.. and also the

spped snap ball.;D.

i would take picture of it. but it's just pointless as my came

ra is not here..

___

was browing thru facebook pictures. HAHAA...

my mom came in... it was pictures of Rum Jungle on last sat nigh

t..

this is what she said to the pictures....

''WHOA... who's that girl? why she lean on your boyfriend ge?''

''mom.. it's the millennium right now. don't so out la!. btw, she's his friend!''

''yor... where can like that?''

''hahaa.. don't know?''

''wa.. why casson hair stand so straight one?''

* * * * *

then my mom saw this..

'ahyoorrrrr.. yam gong lo.. why you so short ge?''

'sigh.. what to do? btw, it's cute ok? can make casson look bigger size ma''

''you a.! what also for him!. why this

girl here again ge?''

''she was there the night ma!''

'oh! casson hair so long d. ask him cut la! is that su xian?''

'yea. w

hy?''

''is she smoking?''

'no.. she was digging her teeth cz got rambutan stuck in her teeth'

''whoa.. why she do in public? lucky cannot see c

lear'' (SHE FELL FOR THAT!!!)

HAHAAHAAAAA..

------

i'm gonna miss you sayangg....

being useless

Everytime i walk down the street, i see those skinny girls with long nice legs,
or sexy tight ass, or a firm body waist, or even a pair of big bouncy boobs..

it just made me feel bad cz u're stuck with me. the ugly, fat, short, small boobs nobody.

can't be the one u go ''my girlfriend's HOT!''.

i'm sorry i'm crazy over strawberries and blueberries and what more teddy bears.

I'm sorry i love candy more than diamonds.

I've got a big nose and i really can't help it.



I've got kinky hair which i wish i didn't have.

My hair don't stay the same, my smell don't smell any better, my eyes are single eye-lids and my lips are the ugliest of all.

last, i suck at fashion.

i look like a 14 year old girl wearing her older sister's clothes not knowing what fashion is.

i've got a fat tummy and a flabby ass.


I love food but yet i gain weight. i go for work out but i've got exercise-induced...

how i hate this.





i'm stupid and clumsy. you take forever to explain something to me. .i never do things right and i'm always saying things at the wrong place at the wrong time..

i feel so useless all sudden.

History repeating itself

Being able to runaway for the 5 days.. i thought it would be the best for me. i tried talking to someone. Someone who was not in my shoe, to see what they think and maybe get some advice form them, during the conversation i actually totally agreed with them. But then, when i'm alone. thinking. bored. I start to wonder. Should i? Should i not? I mean, i don't think it's wrong for me to think what i'm thinking right now right.


_________

Thoughts that are in my mind are;

1. should i be EVEN thinking about it?

2. What difference would it make even if i knew?

3. Does it effect me at all?

4. What is it such a big deal that i can't know?

5. What have i done to deserve this?

6. What should i do?

_____________


Then it came to me that maybe i should STOP thinking about it and get on with my life. 'Take what i have, and create something better'' this was a principle i made up myself, a motivation for me to go forward. Then to look in front. i'm no where. Not even near sucess. I'm not in a medical school, or a law school, not even BUSINESS! i'm in the creative design industry. OK! this is important right? without us they'll be no one to capture the beauty, they will be no media, no advert and etc etc etc.. But then, where am i ? i'm just a university studeny in a very crappy university.

Then, all my friends are doing part time jobs here and there. Earning money here and there. Me? nothing.

If there were One in a Million i'll definately join and get that million! then i don't have to trouble all this.


Then to think, i suck at drawing. hubby's drawing is way much better than me right now. I'm not creative. i'm clumsy and i'm stupid. I can't take a nice photo and i suck at computer graphics. what i can do, anyone could have done better.


_____
Ten reasons i took this course:
1. It's design, (art)
2. there's no test
3. No memorizing whole text book
4. No theory test (maths/science)
5. No proper essay writing
6. No stress on exams
7. No quiz
8. it's art a.k.a. fun
9. No LOOONG lectures
10. i hate studying!!!!!



___
ok. maybe there are small minor quiz and test. but they consist 10 marks of the whole grade. at least i don't have to memorize the WHOLE book for a test which if i fail i'll fail.




.....


what if i pass? and graduate. what do i do??? what can i work?? i hope there will be somewhere.

well, it would be so much easier if i could just marry off some rich guy and just screw life!!!!
.________________________________________________.



i hate secrets! i hate them!!!!

blinding me

i know you don't even bother reading my blog anymore.

so i'm not afraid to write anything.

i'm going back tomorrow.

for 3 to 4 weeks.

and i don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

Maybe it's a good thing that it might make your realize how much you miss me?

or maybe i'm just the big joke.

Don't know. don't care.

At times i wanna scream. fuck off!!!

i wanna be screaming for the no reasons for once.

it's not a crime to be emotional. is it?

Is crying wrong? Why do guys scold you even more when you cry?

Can't they tell that we're hurt by these tears?

i sometimes really wonder how you really feel.

what you really think.

Sometimes they say, love blinds us all.

that is so true.

bored here

I... was bored....

So, i was looking thru my blog entries for the past year when i came across one entry which hubby secretly type it..

it was so cute.......

''haha.. hmmmm..don't know what to write in here..suddenly feel like want to become destroyer.hehuhuhaha...i don't know why my chéri always update her blog. why she have so many time, story and etc to write??? *sigh.. later i'm gonna to watch hell boy 2 with her...we wanted to watch this movie for so long already.FINALLY... really dunno what to write!!!!

nowadays i like to sing so much. i always sing in front of my sayang but when she heard my voice then she will laughed. so pai seh!! what song that she request i will try my best to fullfill her wish.

ohhh..ya..i felt very guilty cz my sayang grew fatter.I'm SORRY... All this is my FAULT..but in the other hand, this can shown that i am a GOOD BOYFRIEND..hahahaha!! means i sayang her alot alotzzzZZzzzZZz lor...

ohh....today my chéri has a very go performance. her guitar skill and singing skill improved..i give u a BIG HAND *clap*..!!!! soOOooOoOoOoO pontong steam..ppl happy happy kacau her blog suddenly she step on the wire then all sudden the laptop shut down. SILLY chéri...

je t'aime''

I miss those days, where hubby would come home with a smile on his face and saying out loud ''SAYANG!!! i'm home..''. but now? he's just quietly silently coming home.. and going straight to his laptop..

i always miss that post..

i cried today.. because of hubby ( i know he doesn't bother reading my post, so i'm not afraid to write it as he doesn't read it ). Sometimes i'm so confused and i feel so suffocated. When i was crying just now, i was thinking ''maybe it would be better if i didn't come back next week''. wouldn't it? Then hubby can have his own time. I don't have to bother him.. Sometimes i don't know what to do. Yes, i'm stupid and i'm worthless. I do things without going thru my mind and thinking about it. I have to PRETEND i'm smart so my parents would shut up about it. Everyone is asking me to shut up. Pretend not to see what i saw, and pretend not to hear what i heard. Does this mean i was really a bitchy girl who only knows how to blabber what i see and heard? But i was just telling the truth. And i'm being warned not to tell the truth. I'm confuse...Maybe from now on, i should keep things to myself. Because, i seriously don't know. Maybe me being here is not a good things, because both side knows i will tell. and you guys will ask me. I get scolded by B for telling C everything and i get scolded by A that i don't have to tell everything and i get scolded by C that i told B things??? Maybe, it would be better if i'm not involve in ANYTHING at all.

yea.. i'm not going to bother..anymore...

because. whatever..