I want to cry.
i want to hug someone and cry.
Hubby, would you come over and let me cry without asking why am i crying?
Here i am, along in my room. This room of mine. My own room. wow. it's fantastic to say such words ''My own room".
why i want to cry does not have anything to do with my room, but it just have something to do with me. and someone else.
I finally realize in this 19 years. I have misinterpreted you. I thought you would at least understand. You can be mad, but guess what? i am right now also!
I could say so many things to release this anger of mine but then i am thinking of the results of it! You know why? cz i actually care how you feel! You never knew how it was to be right behind you? To be such a competition towards you? You were always better than me. In everything! hello? you are not here! Just think back if you are here what would happen. You would go crazy and be angry at her also. Don't say you wont, cz i don't believe such thing as you not getting angry at her! The way you both argue and the way me and her is different! That's the different only. i'm a stubborn cow like you or maybe more so than yourself? i feel insulted here. and i feel disappointed. cz i thought you would at least be THE ONE to understand things. but i was wrong.
At least i am not the one talking bad about another at the same table with uncles! you think i did not know that? You tell me that you have once hated me so much that you never wanted to talk to me? i was FUCKING disappointed when i found out about that. I had no one to talk to. I never tell you everything cz you will never understand me. Think about how many times you have disappointed me once and again over and over again! have i mention anything before?
You may say it's no big deal and everyone here says i'm sensitive and keep telling me not to be so sensitive. If a person could change from sensitive to insensitive and can over-come all problems themselves by someone just saying 'Dont be so sensitive!'. Then what's the point of psychologist and counselling and doctors?
There's so many i would say and want to make my point, but then.
what's the point?
i am disappointed by you again.
and most probably i will again the next time and again and again.
cz as my love told me. I care too much about others. that's why i am the one who get hurt.
i don't give a damn what you say about me. Cz if i wasn't someone to you, you most probably would have forgotten about me or hated me as the worst bitch in the world. But it was b'cz we are someone. that's why you are stuck to have me. and yet get things when you want. but ignore when you don't want. Have you ever thought of how you disappointed me? From the schooldays till this very day.
1 comment:
First of all, they are part of your family. No matter what they say in the past or present, they do not mean it. It is like words come out from mouth do not sync with what the heart feels for you. They love you as much as other parents or siblings love their children or siblings. Why would the "she" care to scold you? She also got plenty of others things to worry and do. If she scold you, she have to deal with high blood pressure etc. Why she wanna get herself into trouble? All this is because she loves you. It doesnt mean scolding you means hate you. You will understand her even deeper as you grow older or next time when you are a mother to your child. You will tend to have an all out to teach the good and bad to your children. It hurts her when the children retaliates. They know you have grown up and willing to have freedom. But in their eyes, no matter you age 20, 30, 40 or even 70.. Just as long as they still breathing, you are still a children to them. They will never ditch you. When you facing difficulties, they will go all out to sacrifice just for your good. Just think over it. They might be annoying but try learn some tolerate skills. All family have their own inner problem. Other parents might be good to you but how you know in close door situation they are that good? You dont stay or leave with them. They didnt story to you doesnt mean they are not facing problem. Just try to tolerate more.
Even if they say they hate you before but didnt mean they will hate you forever. You all are siblings. You have to be grateful that this time around that you have chance to become brother and sister. So try to think in different point of view instead of keep hating and releasing anger.
*if you think its hard to swallow then just ignore or delete this post. Not here to teach you how to lead a life but just suggesting. No matter what, they are still proud that you are their children and siblings. Cheers!!
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